Wednesday, 20 March 2013

Coming up for air

My life is feeling very full right now. In a good way - beautiful friends, healthy family, financially secure-ish for a while. Lots of wonderful things happening in my life and to those around me. Truly.

But there are dark things too. Murky things. Overwhelming things that I cannot process or fathom. So many things I want to help fix for others, to make it better, to make it all hurt less, to make it alright and happy ending-ish. And the realisation that I cannot help or save others from their situations is hard for me to bear at the moment. I want to wave a magic wand and kiss it all better, to be a fairy godmother who comes good and doesn't let anyone down - a miracle worker who changes dark to light, who heals all hurts. And I know I cannot do that for every single person in my life who is hurting - and there seems to be a lot of it going round at the moment. Big horrible scary shitty stuff. And it hurts like hell.

I've taken on a mighty amount of commitments at the moment which I am having a hard time fulfilling. I want to be all things to all people! And what does a gal do when she has a shit-tonne of work stuff to do?

Well this girl is writing tonight. Because she needs to. Because writing feels like coming up for air.
I write because I need to. Like breathing.

Of course I should be doing what I need to to get on with my writing projects, which are piling up with deadlines in view. Of course. There are more constructive ways I could be spending this time. But my head isn't in that space. And tonight, I need THIS space. I need to just breathe into this space and say I am here.

This is me, coming up for air.


  1. You know where I am if you need to talk, or offload sprogs.
    You are doing great, I couldn't do the sheer volume of stuff you do, I'm far too lazy!
    Please remember to take care of yourself. You have to, or you'll be no use to anyone. X

  2. take good care of yourself lovely mama, you will need to nourish yourself be it writing or ice cream or whatever else if you are to be all things to all people - and sometimes yeah we just gotta do that. Big love X

  3. Thank you both - had a gentle day today with a long muddy walk, a lovely boy on sleepover so the boys have been happy and occupied with each other, and new perspectives on other peoples stuff. I realised something important today about the nature of things, and the fact I am not responsible for other peoples problems and shouldn't beat myself up when I can't do more....I cannot solve or fix other people's stuff that they bring on themselves.....and perhaps need to go through on some level in order to grow spiritually.....