Saturday, 4 August 2012

Supermama? Nah.

Flower infused, nature soaked, festi going, heart-warming times with friends and family aside, I'm realising the extent of just how un-nerved I have been feeling about how our future will play out, to a point that's reached a bit of a climax just in the last month in particular. My belief in myself and my self-confidence has been at a real low.

We are in MAJOR transition. Our whole future hangs in the balance still, whilst we wait for things to play out work-wise. It's been nail-biting. We're still not there yet. Pretty major loose ends flapping around everywhere. Unsettling. I am trying to be present, to breathe right, to eat right. But until it's truly all neat and tidy I feel on edge, nervous the whole thing could still crash down around us.

This has been the back-drop to family life with the kids, and we've all coped with it in different ways. I've been more emotional than ever,. I've been holding myself quite tight, and this fear has been trying to find a path out of my body. It's been stored as backaches, bellyaches, headaches. Dear friends have given me massages and tinctures, listening ears, flowers, praise and love but my own self-doubt and panic has been greater than all this at times. Hubba hubba has been a total rock. As ever.

I've been carrying a lot of guilt around that I don't feel super joyful about home educating and parenting just lately. As if this were the ultimate sin humanly possible. That it's not all rainbows and skipping and miracles all day every day. Truthfully, there have been a lot of days when I've felt so crumpled and deformed under the sense of shame and disappointment of not living up to an imagined and projected supermother standard, with days where I have felt unprepared, bewildered even, at how things sometimes pan out against my better wishes and intentions. Wanting so badly for each day to be productive and purposeful and everyone working really well together, but it's not always like that, and it confuses and annoys me and I start asking why? Why, when I am trying soooo hard? The truth is that instead of really enjoying the summer, a big part of me has been counting down the days, hours and minutes till Pete finishes work so I don't have to do this on my own any more. After ten years of solid full-time parenting I am feeling frazzled, dis-illusioned in some ways and just plain fried in some respects.Whatever they promise you on some blogs or shiny shiny homeschooling sites, homeschooling's f*cking hard work!

Thankfully the kids are turning out pretty nicely and happy, inspite of their tired mama

And I truly love them, with all of my frazzled heart. Not one of them is at fault in any way. I am simply exhausted. And in my own loving, fudging-along, deeply caring, slightly dysfunctional way, I think I am actually a bloody good mother. I know because my kids tell me every single day.  When I look back over the summer, I see I have pulled off a miracle. The kids are happy, whole, joyful and uniquely wonderful, even if they have driven me and each other batshit crazy at times.

Did I say that out loud? Oh well.



  1. (((huge hugs))) to you mama! You are doing an amazing job and I know just how you feel about that anxious waiting for what's going to happen! It's a bit like that here too. Really hard to keep going and not think about it. Hope it resolves soon xxx

  2. mama you are fabulous! I missed the pre-natal supermum course as well but still think most days this is the part I should play. Go easy on yourself especially whilst in transition. Try and enjoy transition as part of life rather than just a route to get to it by. Drink a glass of wine, eat a bar of green and blacks, have a long hot soak in the tub, read a book - nourish yourself at every opportunity and exist in that moment for what it is, let your worries eb away a little. Much love x x x

  3. Thanks me dears. I'm off on Sunday night for a wee break to celebrate mine and hubba's 13th wedding anniversary ( hurray, we made it, I didn't fuck it all up!) for three whole nights in the Norfolk broads, time to reflect and regenerate some energies, time to give myself some self-care, nurture and most importantly, time with my man where we are not simply parents but a sexy couple who need a tiny bit of personal space once in a while! Can't wait :-) xxx

  4. Hey wonderful woman, I'm cruising back along old posts to glean some inspiration from your treasure trove! And relieved to find that these times happen to the best of us - the new baby tiredness has indeed zapped my ability to be the home ed wonderwoman that I (think!) I used to aspire to!!
    Those times will come again!!
    A xx

    1. Feeling stretched is the way life is sometimes for us mamas, especially with tiny new bundles to care for too, and all that this means. It's an ordeal as much as a beautiful event, and recovery can take a while! Be gentle to yourself -it takes longer to 'bounce back' after your fourth, it's really normal to find it hard work. Can we meet up sometime? I'd love that. Lets figure out how and when and get together. Big hug for you mama. Your body has performed a true wonder and you are doing a really hard job with little sleep, so whether you think so or not, you really are superwoman!!! Xx