We are in MAJOR transition. Our whole future hangs in the balance still, whilst we wait for things to play out work-wise. It's been nail-biting. We're still not there yet. Pretty major loose ends flapping around everywhere. Unsettling. I am trying to be present, to breathe right, to eat right. But until it's truly all neat and tidy I feel on edge, nervous the whole thing could still crash down around us.
This has been the back-drop to family life with the kids, and we've all coped with it in different ways. I've been more emotional than ever,. I've been holding myself quite tight, and this fear has been trying to find a path out of my body. It's been stored as backaches, bellyaches, headaches. Dear friends have given me massages and tinctures, listening ears, flowers, praise and love but my own self-doubt and panic has been greater than all this at times. Hubba hubba has been a total rock. As ever.
I've been carrying a lot of guilt around that I don't feel super joyful about home educating and parenting just lately. As if this were the ultimate sin humanly possible. That it's not all rainbows and skipping and miracles all day every day. Truthfully, there have been a lot of days when I've felt so crumpled and deformed under the sense of shame and disappointment of not living up to an imagined and projected supermother standard, with days where I have felt unprepared, bewildered even, at how things sometimes pan out against my better wishes and intentions. Wanting so badly for each day to be productive and purposeful and everyone working really well together, but it's not always like that, and it confuses and annoys me and I start asking why? Why, when I am trying soooo hard? The truth is that instead of really enjoying the summer, a big part of me has been counting down the days, hours and minutes till Pete finishes work so I don't have to do this on my own any more. After ten years of solid full-time parenting I am feeling frazzled, dis-illusioned in some ways and just plain fried in some respects.Whatever they promise you on some blogs or shiny shiny homeschooling sites, homeschooling's f*cking hard work!
Thankfully the kids are turning out pretty nicely and happy, inspite of their tired mama
And I truly love them, with all of my frazzled heart. Not one of them is at fault in any way. I am simply exhausted. And in my own loving, fudging-along, deeply caring, slightly dysfunctional way, I think I am actually a bloody good mother. I know because my kids tell me every single day. When I look back over the summer, I see I have pulled off a miracle. The kids are happy, whole, joyful and uniquely wonderful, even if they have driven me and each other batshit crazy at times.
Did I say that out loud? Oh well.