Thursday, 27 October 2011

Motherfunker in the doledrums

I haven't felt like writing for a little while 'cos things have been a bit full-on here in the Cleary household.

Been feeling a bit poo to be *really* honest. Thought about giving up the blog and giving up the internet since it seems to have been addictive just lately, and the kids have also been spending too much time on it as well. But it's so darm entertaining! And when my shoulder/neck were really buggered just recently and I could hardly move/twist my upper body it was one of the few things I could do whilst lying on my bed, the wireless keyboard and mouse being a portal into the outside world beyond the crazy exhausting kiddos, achey body and absent, forever-working husband. I so need to feel connected to the world out there, to know what's going on beyond my 'lil life.

This week has been a real winding down, being indoors lots, feel like my muscles have become so weak! I'm sure its psychological, but it really does feel physical too. We were going to be going to Paris with the kids, now maybe not, so that sucks. I've been really ratty with the kids, and they seem in turn to have gotten rattier and rattier back, so we've been cranking up in a circle of tit for tat petty whinging, annoying the heck out of each other.

Instead of happily crafting in time for a hand-made christmas all I've wanted to do is slob and watch Sarah Beeny on 4OD or some other lazy activity like that.

I've been feeling down about my writing, decided I'm not that good, that it's a waste of time. Doula training? Peh, what's the point? Who am I kidding? Mothering? Crap crap crap.

Oh the misery of negative thinking - how it creeps into every part of your soul and makes you want to give up! Light? Candles? Rainbows? Goddess happy happy stuff? Blah! No, it's all crap!

How dark the soul can feel within such a short space of time! Even just a few days!

And so today with the sense of sheer panic and gloom about what the heck we're going to do with our lives and and the sense of dissappointment that we aren't living an extraordinary life - a daring, seat-of-your-pants life - who wants an ordinary life? - I set about cheering myself up with the simple act of house-cleaning. The kids watched documentaries and I got my rubber gloves on and started to have a good clean. I cleaned the kitchen. I cleaned the fridge with its probably never discovered before new Cleary varieties of mould growing on the door tray. I cleaned doorframes, window ledges, nooks and crannies, cobwebs and icky places. And it felt goooood! It felt so so good. I actually enjoyed the simplicity and ordinariness of it. The mundanity.  The sense of making sense again and repairing and loving what I had trashed in my mind. Appreciating all our crap instead of cursing it.

Yes, I am feeling like lighting a candle again, instead of cursing the dark!

Putting me in an even better frame of mind, and quite out of the blue, I also received an award from the lovely homeschooler and aspiring writer Zoe at Barras Homeschool of Excellence , who nominated me as one of her favourite new bloggers! The official title of this (traced it back Zoe 'cos wasn't sure the actual award name) is...tada!

Woo hoo!

The Rules
  • Thank the person(s) who nominated you and link back up them.
  • Tell Readers 7 things about yourself.
  • Pass this award onto your favorite newly discovered bloggers and let them know.

So thank you Zoe, well here are 7 things about me

1)   When I grow really old I dream that I will be an old white witch and live in a cottage with my hubby
      Pete, a pretty herb garden, wood burner, lots of books, and a few of cats. And maybe an old
      fashioned motorbike for pootling into town. Maybe in another country, with beautiful views and
      stunning vistas all around us.

2)   I can't wait to see more of the world with the children - to see their wonder and surprise at exploring
      brand new yet ancient places

3)   I love my husband an insane amount. He is my earth, my sky, my sun. He knows how to soothe me
      and make me laugh in every situation imaginable!

4)   I secretly love ZZ Top.

5)   I can make a bar of chocolate disappear in the blink of an eye!

6)   In spite of the above whinge about the kids, I actually adore them. They're more amazing than I
      could have ever imagined :-)

7)   My desert Island book would be left blank so I could write my own story. My desert Island disc
      would be a mix album made for me by Pete.


I would like to pass this blog award on to so many fab bloggers I know. But I think my brand spanking new favourites of the moment, those that actually make my heart beat a bit faster, the ones that make me feel like anything is possible are :

 The Brave Girls Club:  

My Smiling Heart - personal blog by founder of Wild Sister Magazine:  

Goddess Leonie:


Maybe I won't give up the blog or the internet just yet!


  1. Sorry to hear you have been feeling down in the dumps and suffering with back etc. I move furniture when I feel crap....The sun is shining today. Don't give up the writing we enjoy it and its massively therapeutic and besides what is the measure of good or bad? If you enjoy it who cares x happy thoughts x

  2. Thanks Angela. Feeling much brighter today :-) See you soon x

  3. Poo, sorry, just seen this. Hate feeling like that - yahoo for you you stylish blogger you! I'm with you on 1, 2,3, 5 and 6. But 4, Paula, 4 - that's a step in honesty TOO far ;))

    Really glad you're digging Leonie - join the circle (via me, PRETTY PLEASE :) - it costs you the same!) it is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO worth it. the business e course is to die for. and there are so many lovely networking things that go on inside the circle and opportunities that you don't hear about elsewhere x

  4. Ah come on now. How can you not like Zed Zed Top????!!!! Hehehe.

    I am going to clickety click my way into some happy communion with the Goddessness and head over to Dreaming Aloud right now! And actually get me subscription to Wild Sister since I now remember my paypal details and couldn't do it the other night when I tried!

  5. Sorry to hear you've been feeling down. Hope the brightness you gave now continues! :) Have you joined the goddess circle? I'll come look for you on there :) xx

  6. I am pleased to hear you will keep writing. I for one really enjoy what you have to say (and especially how you have to say it). The beauty of blogging is that it is so candid, not so fettered by advertisers and fickle from too much concern over what others think. It's really good stuff.

    I have these days you speak of as well. I've started slapping my ass around with idears on how to make November a Cheery month (an oxymoron?) I'm not giving up until there is an enormous amount of sunshine streaming out my ....ears.

  7. I'm so pleased my blog award cheered you up-it had the exact same effect on me too when I received it! I also have days like this, especially at the moment with so much going off. Its tough when hubby's are not around much too, as then just taking care of everything else can seem so draining by yourself. I feel like giving up the blog sometimes too as it can be quite time consuming and sometimes I feel that no-one really cares/is that interested in my crappy rambles. But then a fellow blogger such a yourself leaves a comment and it picks me right back up off the floor again. Your doing things that I would love to do-writing and doula training-keep with them, I'm so jealous and love reading about them!
    Zoe x

  8. Just wanted to add too that I loved reading your 7 things too! Funnily I too can make choclate dissappear in the blink of an eye, strange that! Apologies for being so late to read this, only just catching up on my blog reading, as can feel guilty having too much time on internet/phone, especially when I can hear children arguing/fighting in the background! Hope your back/neck is feeling better soon
    Zoe x

  9. Dear Motherfunker, your writing is beautiful and inspiring, as are the links that your blog has led me too.
    To inspire just one person is enough reason to keep writing, Glad you are feeling happier :-)

  10. Ahhhh, thank you gorgeous! It was so great to see you the other day. I love our chats and you always inspire me too :-) X