Been feeling a bit poo to be *really* honest. Thought about giving up the blog and giving up the internet since it seems to have been addictive just lately, and the kids have also been spending too much time on it as well. But it's so darm entertaining! And when my shoulder/neck were really buggered just recently and I could hardly move/twist my upper body it was one of the few things I could do whilst lying on my bed, the wireless keyboard and mouse being a portal into the outside world beyond the crazy exhausting kiddos, achey body and absent, forever-working husband. I so need to feel connected to the world out there, to know what's going on beyond my 'lil life.
This week has been a real winding down, being indoors lots, feel like my muscles have become so weak! I'm sure its psychological, but it really does feel physical too. We were going to be going to Paris with the kids, now maybe not, so that sucks. I've been really ratty with the kids, and they seem in turn to have gotten rattier and rattier back, so we've been cranking up in a circle of tit for tat petty whinging, annoying the heck out of each other.
Instead of happily crafting in time for a hand-made christmas all I've wanted to do is slob and watch Sarah Beeny on 4OD or some other lazy activity like that.
I've been feeling down about my writing, decided I'm not that good, that it's a waste of time. Doula training? Peh, what's the point? Who am I kidding? Mothering? Crap crap crap.
Oh the misery of negative thinking - how it creeps into every part of your soul and makes you want to give up! Light? Candles? Rainbows? Goddess happy happy stuff? Blah! No, it's all crap!
How dark the soul can feel within such a short space of time! Even just a few days!
And so today with the sense of sheer panic and gloom about what the heck we're going to do with our lives and and the sense of dissappointment that we aren't living an extraordinary life - a daring, seat-of-your-pants life - who wants an ordinary life? - I set about cheering myself up with the simple act of house-cleaning. The kids watched documentaries and I got my rubber gloves on and started to have a good clean. I cleaned the kitchen. I cleaned the fridge with its probably never discovered before new Cleary varieties of mould growing on the door tray. I cleaned doorframes, window ledges, nooks and crannies, cobwebs and icky places. And it felt goooood! It felt so so good. I actually enjoyed the simplicity and ordinariness of it. The mundanity. The sense of making sense again and repairing and loving what I had trashed in my mind. Appreciating all our crap instead of cursing it.
Yes, I am feeling like lighting a candle again, instead of cursing the dark!
Putting me in an even better frame of mind, and quite out of the blue, I also received an award from the lovely homeschooler and aspiring writer Zoe at Barras Homeschool of Excellence , who nominated me as one of her favourite new bloggers! The official title of this (traced it back Zoe 'cos wasn't sure the actual award name) is...tada!
So thank you Zoe, well here are 7 things about me
1) When I grow really old I dream that I will be an old white witch and live in a cottage with my hubby
Pete, a pretty herb garden, wood burner, lots of books, and a few of cats. And maybe an old
fashioned motorbike for pootling into town. Maybe in another country, with beautiful views and
stunning vistas all around us.
2) I can't wait to see more of the world with the children - to see their wonder and surprise at exploring
brand new yet ancient places
3) I love my husband an insane amount. He is my earth, my sky, my sun. He knows how to soothe me
and make me laugh in every situation imaginable!
4) I secretly love ZZ Top.
5) I can make a bar of chocolate disappear in the blink of an eye!
6) In spite of the above whinge about the kids, I actually adore them. They're more amazing than I
could have ever imagined :-)
7) My desert Island book would be left blank so I could write my own story. My desert Island disc
would be a mix album made for me by Pete.
I would like to pass this blog award on to so many fab bloggers I know. But I think my brand spanking new favourites of the moment, those that actually make my heart beat a bit faster, the ones that make me feel like anything is possible are :
The Brave Girls Club:
My Smiling Heart - personal blog by founder of Wild Sister Magazine:
Maybe I won't give up the blog or the internet just yet!