How have you been?
Well I have been really touched by your messages and love and me too's, you know who you all are and thank you for letting me know how much this blog means to you, that my words are not in vain.
I was feeling a little down that more people don't comment since I know they're reading it... I guess I felt like, aw come on, I'm putting out my time and energy and love into this blog and you guys are just take take take. How am I to KNOW, that you really are diggin' what I got to say? unless ya tell me. Needy and sad I know. And I am back to not minding, so if you dont comment but read rhis, it's ok, you are safe! I am more than happy for you to be a lurker! And you guys are right. I am basically writing this first and foremost for myself, often to help me figure out how I really feel about something. Often I don't actually know the totality of how I feel until I am tasked with specifically addressing whatever issue is in my heart or mind at that time.
Writing articles has been a really amazing thing for me and I haven't done nearly enough writing recently - it helps me to try and pinpoint and verbalise the very floatiest of thoughts and feelings, but it's like nailing a shadow down. Often I'll write something that has become irrelevant by the next day, week, month or year. Having it in solid print, makes it somehow permanent - whereas in truth it may feel more fleeting. Lucy at Dreaming Aloud did a gorgeous piece recently about thoughts being like birds that fly into the landscape of your mind, and fly on. And it's nice to think of them like that. Impermanent. Part of a here and now that necessarily becomes a yesterday's thought or feeling. Left behind so you can start a new day with a fresh mind, clear heart. New perspective.
I guess feelings and thoughts are like leaves falling from a tree - they feel so colourful and vivid as they fall, so recently attached to the big tree from where they came, the soul place they came from, and when they fall down and settle, and lose their colour, their brightness, they start to break apart, to crumble and scrunch. When a friend kicks those leaves around and tumbles in them with you, makes piles with them and enjoys them for what they are, it helps you to move on, they lose the potency and power they had when you suffered them alone. The thoughts we had become lost to us in their fullness and mulch down ready to nourish and feed our roots next springtime. Or you can bonfire them up!
I'm feeling at peace again that 'm not the perfect mama I envisioned myself to be, that I so want to be - the one who never gets grumpy, or sticks on the TV when she feels her head is going to pop from the children's endless questions, shriekiness, sticky mess-making, and high jinx. Our homeschooling days are not spent in holy adoration and grace for the wholesome things in life, but have a dose of Ben 10, Smarties, tantrums and tears. And fights over computer time. It's not all Spirulina smoothies and gentleness and choosing wisely. There are sword fights and wasted plates of food, The disappointment and resentment of sulky children on amazing day trips, things that break or go wrong. Family tensions. It's a landscape of real emotions, differing opinions, hard lessons and fuck up miscalculations. Hurt prides and heartfelt sorrys. So. much. more. INTENSE than I had imagined. The reality of living with our choices can feel like really hard work. But they are our CHOICES. We chose them. We are not victims. Playing the poor me victim is soooo easy to fall into. And it actually sucks to be in that place. It's really no fun at all. Holding up an alternative greener grass parallel world-view of our family getting along beautifully every minute of every day, and never having any obstacles is so easy and ridiculous to imagine!
So thanks for bearing with me you gorgeous readers whilst those leaves of frustration, doubt, fear fell off my tree. I'm sweeping them away with a very big broom and making a nice bonfire out of them. Burning them will make pretty colours, crackles, and dancing flames lick up into the beautiful starry night sky. The moon is a waxing crescent on her way to becoming big and beautiful and bright again.