Hey you,
How have you been?
Well I have been really touched by your messages and love and me too's, you know who you all are and thank you for letting me know how much this blog means to you, that my words are not in vain.
I was feeling a little down that more people don't comment since I know they're reading it... I guess I felt like, aw come on, I'm putting out my time and energy and love into this blog and you guys are just take take take. How am I to KNOW, that you really are diggin' what I got to say? unless ya tell me. Needy and sad I know. And I am back to not minding, so if you dont comment but read rhis, it's ok, you are safe! I am more than happy for you to be a lurker! And you guys are right. I am basically writing this first and foremost for myself, often to help me figure out how I really feel about something. Often I don't actually know the totality of how I feel until I am tasked with specifically addressing whatever issue is in my heart or mind at that time.
Writing articles has been a really amazing thing for me and I haven't done nearly enough writing recently - it helps me to try and pinpoint and verbalise the very floatiest of thoughts and feelings, but it's like nailing a shadow down. Often I'll write something that has become irrelevant by the next day, week, month or year. Having it in solid print, makes it somehow permanent - whereas in truth it may feel more fleeting. Lucy at Dreaming Aloud did a gorgeous piece recently about thoughts being like birds that fly into the landscape of your mind, and fly on. And it's nice to think of them like that. Impermanent. Part of a here and now that necessarily becomes a yesterday's thought or feeling. Left behind so you can start a new day with a fresh mind, clear heart. New perspective.
I guess feelings and thoughts are like leaves falling from a tree - they feel so colourful and vivid as they fall, so recently attached to the big tree from where they came, the soul place they came from, and when they fall down and settle, and lose their colour, their brightness, they start to break apart, to crumble and scrunch. When a friend kicks those leaves around and tumbles in them with you, makes piles with them and enjoys them for what they are, it helps you to move on, they lose the potency and power they had when you suffered them alone. The thoughts we had become lost to us in their fullness and mulch down ready to nourish and feed our roots next springtime. Or you can bonfire them up!
I'm feeling at peace again that 'm not the perfect mama I envisioned myself to be, that I so want to be - the one who never gets grumpy, or sticks on the TV when she feels her head is going to pop from the children's endless questions, shriekiness, sticky mess-making, and high jinx. Our homeschooling days are not spent in holy adoration and grace for the wholesome things in life, but have a dose of Ben 10, Smarties, tantrums and tears. And fights over computer time. It's not all Spirulina smoothies and gentleness and choosing wisely. There are sword fights and wasted plates of food, The disappointment and resentment of sulky children on amazing day trips, things that break or go wrong. Family tensions. It's a landscape of real emotions, differing opinions, hard lessons and fuck up miscalculations. Hurt prides and heartfelt sorrys. So. much. more. INTENSE than I had imagined. The reality of living with our choices can feel like really hard work. But they are our CHOICES. We chose them. We are not victims. Playing the poor me victim is soooo easy to fall into. And it actually sucks to be in that place. It's really no fun at all. Holding up an alternative greener grass parallel world-view of our family getting along beautifully every minute of every day, and never having any obstacles is so easy and ridiculous to imagine!
So thanks for bearing with me you gorgeous readers whilst those leaves of frustration, doubt, fear fell off my tree. I'm sweeping them away with a very big broom and making a nice bonfire out of them. Burning them will make pretty colours, crackles, and dancing flames lick up into the beautiful starry night sky. The moon is a waxing crescent on her way to becoming big and beautiful and bright again.
Marshmallow, anyone?
Monday, 31 October 2011
Thursday, 27 October 2011
Motherfunker in the doledrums
I haven't felt like writing for a little while 'cos things have been a bit full-on here in the Cleary household.
Been feeling a bit poo to be *really* honest. Thought about giving up the blog and giving up the internet since it seems to have been addictive just lately, and the kids have also been spending too much time on it as well. But it's so darm entertaining! And when my shoulder/neck were really buggered just recently and I could hardly move/twist my upper body it was one of the few things I could do whilst lying on my bed, the wireless keyboard and mouse being a portal into the outside world beyond the crazy exhausting kiddos, achey body and absent, forever-working husband. I so need to feel connected to the world out there, to know what's going on beyond my 'lil life.
This week has been a real winding down, being indoors lots, feel like my muscles have become so weak! I'm sure its psychological, but it really does feel physical too. We were going to be going to Paris with the kids, now maybe not, so that sucks. I've been really ratty with the kids, and they seem in turn to have gotten rattier and rattier back, so we've been cranking up in a circle of tit for tat petty whinging, annoying the heck out of each other.
Instead of happily crafting in time for a hand-made christmas all I've wanted to do is slob and watch Sarah Beeny on 4OD or some other lazy activity like that.
I've been feeling down about my writing, decided I'm not that good, that it's a waste of time. Doula training? Peh, what's the point? Who am I kidding? Mothering? Crap crap crap.
Oh the misery of negative thinking - how it creeps into every part of your soul and makes you want to give up! Light? Candles? Rainbows? Goddess happy happy stuff? Blah! No, it's all crap!
How dark the soul can feel within such a short space of time! Even just a few days!
And so today with the sense of sheer panic and gloom about what the heck we're going to do with our lives and and the sense of dissappointment that we aren't living an extraordinary life - a daring, seat-of-your-pants life - who wants an ordinary life? - I set about cheering myself up with the simple act of house-cleaning. The kids watched documentaries and I got my rubber gloves on and started to have a good clean. I cleaned the kitchen. I cleaned the fridge with its probably never discovered before new Cleary varieties of mould growing on the door tray. I cleaned doorframes, window ledges, nooks and crannies, cobwebs and icky places. And it felt goooood! It felt so so good. I actually enjoyed the simplicity and ordinariness of it. The mundanity. The sense of making sense again and repairing and loving what I had trashed in my mind. Appreciating all our crap instead of cursing it.
Yes, I am feeling like lighting a candle again, instead of cursing the dark!
Putting me in an even better frame of mind, and quite out of the blue, I also received an award from the lovely homeschooler and aspiring writer Zoe at Barras Homeschool of Excellence , who nominated me as one of her favourite new bloggers! The official title of this (traced it back Zoe 'cos wasn't sure the actual award name) is...tada!
So thank you Zoe, well here are 7 things about me
1) When I grow really old I dream that I will be an old white witch and live in a cottage with my hubby
Pete, a pretty herb garden, wood burner, lots of books, and a few of cats. And maybe an old
fashioned motorbike for pootling into town. Maybe in another country, with beautiful views and
stunning vistas all around us.
2) I can't wait to see more of the world with the children - to see their wonder and surprise at exploring
brand new yet ancient places
3) I love my husband an insane amount. He is my earth, my sky, my sun. He knows how to soothe me
and make me laugh in every situation imaginable!
4) I secretly love ZZ Top.
5) I can make a bar of chocolate disappear in the blink of an eye!
6) In spite of the above whinge about the kids, I actually adore them. They're more amazing than I
could have ever imagined :-)
7) My desert Island book would be left blank so I could write my own story. My desert Island disc
would be a mix album made for me by Pete.
Been feeling a bit poo to be *really* honest. Thought about giving up the blog and giving up the internet since it seems to have been addictive just lately, and the kids have also been spending too much time on it as well. But it's so darm entertaining! And when my shoulder/neck were really buggered just recently and I could hardly move/twist my upper body it was one of the few things I could do whilst lying on my bed, the wireless keyboard and mouse being a portal into the outside world beyond the crazy exhausting kiddos, achey body and absent, forever-working husband. I so need to feel connected to the world out there, to know what's going on beyond my 'lil life.
This week has been a real winding down, being indoors lots, feel like my muscles have become so weak! I'm sure its psychological, but it really does feel physical too. We were going to be going to Paris with the kids, now maybe not, so that sucks. I've been really ratty with the kids, and they seem in turn to have gotten rattier and rattier back, so we've been cranking up in a circle of tit for tat petty whinging, annoying the heck out of each other.
Instead of happily crafting in time for a hand-made christmas all I've wanted to do is slob and watch Sarah Beeny on 4OD or some other lazy activity like that.
I've been feeling down about my writing, decided I'm not that good, that it's a waste of time. Doula training? Peh, what's the point? Who am I kidding? Mothering? Crap crap crap.
Oh the misery of negative thinking - how it creeps into every part of your soul and makes you want to give up! Light? Candles? Rainbows? Goddess happy happy stuff? Blah! No, it's all crap!
How dark the soul can feel within such a short space of time! Even just a few days!
And so today with the sense of sheer panic and gloom about what the heck we're going to do with our lives and and the sense of dissappointment that we aren't living an extraordinary life - a daring, seat-of-your-pants life - who wants an ordinary life? - I set about cheering myself up with the simple act of house-cleaning. The kids watched documentaries and I got my rubber gloves on and started to have a good clean. I cleaned the kitchen. I cleaned the fridge with its probably never discovered before new Cleary varieties of mould growing on the door tray. I cleaned doorframes, window ledges, nooks and crannies, cobwebs and icky places. And it felt goooood! It felt so so good. I actually enjoyed the simplicity and ordinariness of it. The mundanity. The sense of making sense again and repairing and loving what I had trashed in my mind. Appreciating all our crap instead of cursing it.
Yes, I am feeling like lighting a candle again, instead of cursing the dark!
Putting me in an even better frame of mind, and quite out of the blue, I also received an award from the lovely homeschooler and aspiring writer Zoe at Barras Homeschool of Excellence , who nominated me as one of her favourite new bloggers! The official title of this (traced it back Zoe 'cos wasn't sure the actual award name) is...tada!
Woo hoo!
The Rules
- Thank the person(s) who nominated you and link back up them.
- Tell Readers 7 things about yourself.
- Pass this award onto your favorite newly discovered bloggers and let them know.
So thank you Zoe, well here are 7 things about me
1) When I grow really old I dream that I will be an old white witch and live in a cottage with my hubby
Pete, a pretty herb garden, wood burner, lots of books, and a few of cats. And maybe an old
fashioned motorbike for pootling into town. Maybe in another country, with beautiful views and
stunning vistas all around us.
2) I can't wait to see more of the world with the children - to see their wonder and surprise at exploring
brand new yet ancient places
3) I love my husband an insane amount. He is my earth, my sky, my sun. He knows how to soothe me
and make me laugh in every situation imaginable!
4) I secretly love ZZ Top.
5) I can make a bar of chocolate disappear in the blink of an eye!
6) In spite of the above whinge about the kids, I actually adore them. They're more amazing than I
could have ever imagined :-)
7) My desert Island book would be left blank so I could write my own story. My desert Island disc
would be a mix album made for me by Pete.
********
I would like to pass this blog award on to so many fab bloggers I know. But I think my brand spanking new favourites of the moment, those that actually make my heart beat a bit faster, the ones that make me feel like anything is possible are :
The Brave Girls Club:
My Smiling Heart - personal blog by founder of Wild Sister Magazine:
Goddess Leonie:
********
Maybe I won't give up the blog or the internet just yet!
Monday, 17 October 2011
This little light of mine....
I have a bit of a problem with organised religions.
I can see how they became so organised.
I can see how they became so organised.
But too often I think religion can cloud a person's relationship with the divine, because they get too tangled up in the cultural traditions, politics, dogmas and so on and this actually draws them away from that relationship with what is divine. Plus I can see the wisdom in the essence, at the heart of many different religions - but buying into one - wholesale, lock stock and two smoking barrels? Isnt that cutting off your nose to spite your face? Why the exclusivity of one faith? To me it seems that each religion is one puzzle piece, in part of a bigger puzzle - each only makes sense within the context of the others.
Just recently I have been really enjoying the free online talks available as part of
I have to admit that when Lucy at Dreaming Aloud first starting gushing about Goddess Leonie, my first thought was "Ummmm, okkkk. What kind of loop calls them-self Goddess?" ..... I thought the whole concept was a bit cuckoo, a bit OTT fairy-fairy. Not rooted in reality at all.
Oh how wrong a person can be!
This fantastic lady turns out to be quite exceptional! By calling herself Goddess, she is simply honouring the divine within herself - not denying anyone else inner divinity. Over the last two weeks, I have listened for free to so many talks by wise women, all co-ordinated by Leonie, and feel really privileged to have been able to grow without having to physically attend some conference somewhere with all the hassle of booking time away from the family, and staying in a hotel bla bla bla. I feel like I've had counselling 1:1, business advice, creative help, inspiration, and just so much love and good energy transmitted from the project. I don't know how to repay the goodness, except to honour the wisdom I've learnt and put it out there in the world by continuing to write from the heart, and keep my projects full of spirit and positivity.
What the summit has reminded me, is to stay true to myself, go forth unafraid and proud of my own unique gifts, to celebrate everyone's creativeness and bring the best of myself to the table. and to address the best in each person I know and help them dig it out if they're feeling a bit stuck. Which is why the Namaste poem really spoke to me this morning and why I wanted to share it here.
I think the holy spirit the Christians speak of is the same thing we know from Star Wars as THE FORCE. midi-clorians, energy, spirit, its all the same divine thing. Call it God if you want.
All I know is that if we ignore it, our lives are sad and dull. If we forget that we are divine in nature, that all of nature is inter-connected, that we all have the potential to act from the divine well we have within ourselves, that runs deep, we will be a bit lost, not really fulfilling our soul purpose in life.
So remember dear, divine ones. Make love your goal. Shine a light for yourself and others.
MAY THE FORCE BE WITH WITH YOU
X
Thursday, 13 October 2011
Oh joyous mess!
Today I was thinking how my blog has recently been bit of a showcase of beautiful, edited fantasy. Delicious bloggy eye-candy rather than how we really live.
Oh those shiny pretty pictures that mask the real truth.
I thought it was time to re-dress the balance!
You are going to get the guided tour of my home, in all its splendid messy glory.
Say hello to my sinky mess...
laundry mess...
CAPITAL mess...
Holy fuck! mess...
Toddler mess...
arty mess....
a tiny bit of mess...
3 year old mess...
Stinky pooo boys mess...
slighty better than it was mess...
Tracy Emin mess...
Toothpaste mess...
Odds n sods mess...
Fridge mess...
postcardy mess...
and some....
cheeky friends....
who make me smile....and draw my eye away from the mess!
So there you have it. The Cleary household in all it's technicoloured, MESSY, splendour!
And one happy, messy mama!
... Ready for a relaxing bath :-)
X
Tuesday, 11 October 2011
Gratituesday
If you've not seen this before I'm linking up with the magnificent Mama over at The Knitty Gritty Homestead, click on the Gratituesday button above to see her blog, or if you're feeling bold, why not join in with some Gratituesday appreciation and hold your own GT?
So, what am I grateful for today?
I am grateful today for such a simple thing we take for granted - to be safe and warm.
To have sanctuary from harm.
To have a kind husband, loving children, good friends.
I am grateful for the windy walk this morning with our doggy where we whooshed and whooped and shouted out how glad we were to be alive.
I am grateful to the friend who saw into my soul and did not judge.
I am grateful to the friends who enjoyed the day with us, and gave us such wonderful hugs, and big smiles.
I am grateful to the friend who says she would be delighted to help me in my daily work by being with us two whole days of every week.
I am grateful for the circle of amazing women (and men ) around the world and who touch my life - you're only as good as the circle of folks around you.
I am grateful for the circle of amazing women (and men ) around the world and who touch my life - you're only as good as the circle of folks around you.
I am grateful for a new drum in my tumble drier which has been out of action for two weeks.
I am grateful for the glass of wine I'm about to drink, and an evening with hubba - he's not working for once - hurray!
What are you grateful for tonight, dear reader?
x
x
Saturday, 8 October 2011
Taking care
Hey!
Well the eating colourful food thing is going well so far. The other day I ate a whole packet of Peanut M and M's. (!) Haha. Ok, I am eating more healthy food, honestly, as well as cake. Hey ho.
Seriously though, now we're getting into the swing of Autumn, my thoughts are turning to keeping the family well through the season of snuffles and colds.
We were super lucky last year and sailed through winter with barely a sneeze between us all, but this year? Fingers crossed! What will we going to be doing to get armoured up against various lurgys? What are our fave things to keep yuck at bay?
We are big fans of...
Floradix
We get the kids version for them and the adult version for ourselves. The adult version is an acquired taste but I personally really love it. The kids love theirs. And there's no hidden sweeteners or junk, but it ain't cheap.
*
Home-made Soups
One of my favourite things about Autumn is that I am a total soup junkie! There isn't really any kind I don't like and I love that you can make them out of all sorts of super healthy veg and leftover meaty bits and bobs. It's one of the few ways to get garlic and onions into my lot and since my soups often end up pureed, they don't whinge about yucky garlic (Sneaky!) Loads of garlic is key to winter health.
*
Dirt
If you want to be healthy I think contact with real live dirt is a must. This is the reason I tell myself that it is ok that our fridge is not spotlessly clean inside, and we have some dust and dirt around the fringes of things. I am pretty suspicious of anti-bac and keep this kind of stuff to an absolute minimum (Some hand gel for caught-out-with-pooey-bum incidents) but avoid regular chemically cleaners for our kitchen work surfaces, floors and toilets. I recently bought some bleach (first time in a year) for the loos as they had gotten really rank but otherwise we generally use Ecover or Co-ops own brand or white vinegar. There's seriously way too many chemicals being sprayed all over the place in folks homes nowadays. This article talks about the dangers of an over-sanitized environment: http://www.naturalnews.com/027855_children_dirt.html
*
Echinacea
Fab for preventing colds - Check out this article which says that it can reduce the chance of catching a cold by more than half!
 |
| Image : Gardeners' World. com |
and I even grew some this year and didn't get my act together to harvest them - they were the last flowers to have Bumble bees visiting and I didn't want to steal them from the bees. The truth is I haven't the faintest clue how to turn my herbs into actual, usable drugs that don't just turn to brown sludge. BUT... maybe James Wong can help.... (hint hint, Father Christmas ;-)
*
Ginger
I have recently discovered the joy of stem ginger in syrup. Oh it is pure heaven! I've used it in cakes, smoothies and just eaten the odd bit on its own. I LOVE the stuff. Very good for circulation and staveing off colds.
*
Smoothies
Finn is really the Smoothie-king in our household, and this winter I am going to make sure our fruitbowl is always well stocked so we can keep smoothie-ing all through autumn and winter.
*
Early bed times
Ok, we are not fans of early bed-times in the Cleary household. BUT.... it is the best way to squeeze the most amount of much-needed Vitamin D possible from the days sunshine hours. So I'm going to try really hard to shift the children's bedtimes by 1/2 hour at least.
*
Supahoney
Full blown Manuka honey costs an arm and a leg but this Queen of all honeys is the bomb for winter health. Supahoney is a 50/50 blend, half Manuka/half regular, so more affordable for everyday cooking etc... Propolis is also a must for wintery colds and flu.
*
Amol
My mum always brings me some back from Poland. Spicy, spirit based herbal stuff you can drink, rub on yourself like tiger balm - this stuff is like gold!
*
Excercise
It's a no brainer why this is good for you!
*
Fresh air
Taking our dog (owning a dog is in itself good for your immune system) for a walk every day and getting a good daily dose of fresh air.
*
Pro- biotics
Prevention is better than cure, and antibiotics destroy natural immunity when they are over-used....
and our bodies don't respond to them any more. Thankfully we haven't had to use them much but I'm mighty suspicious of their over-use. Here's why:
***************
And what about me and my man's health?
I think wine and sex are super good for your health so we'll have lots of that please, doctor!
;-)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)