The boys are bickering a lot. Hubby is working long hours.
I want to write about the shiny happy time we're having. The truth is I'm just darn tired. Too tired to work on the book. I'm feeling the kind of tired where even cooking and cleaning seem like gargantuan tasks.
My mother in law came over today and instead of hanging out here in this messy tip, I took the boys out so I wouldn't have to sit with her and have the boys being bouncy and me feeling bad about that. We had a great time while we were out but came home to the mother-of-all messes, which I have left.
Instead of having early nights and drinking herbal teas and eating nourishing foods I have started up smoking roll-ups by the back door, eating cake for England and watching episodes of Downton Abbey till gone midnight 'cos, whilst I am shattered, I can't actually sleep.
I wish I could get myself into a more 'wholesome' headspace but I feel crappy about a bunch of stuff right now. I feel sorry for myself, unsure of things, in a funk. I don't like to bring my friends down so I act cheery. I feel silly moaning, I like to be the one who lifts her friends up and offers good advice, sets a good example of living and thinking positively, being pro-active in improving our lot rather than whinging about it. But I haven't the energy to keep it up at the moment. Shiny shiny blogs by shiny shiny mamas managing a million things and doing it cheerily with a smile are hard for me to take right now. I don't want to know about how endlessly patient some other mama is. I feel crabby.
I always want to be the one who bakes the cake for someone, sends people nice packages and random little cards and letters, lends stuff out, tries to do nice stuff for everyone. Right now I'm just going to focus more on my own peeps. I have so little precious time that there isn't a whole lot spilling over for the rest of humanity right now!
So if I don't write or phone or bake you a cake or do something nice for you right now, please don't think badly of me. I still love you. I'm just freakin' tired.
XXX
Hey Motherfunker
ReplyDeletehang in there - life is bloody hard sometimes. You sound like you would be a great friend and an excellent mammy. The stuff you do with your kids
is an inspiration to me. I love reading your blog and your honest approach to birth, mothering, education really resonates with me.
I am so like you when i get in the dumps (have just come through yet another existential crisis over here, which I haven't been brave enough to blog about), and seem to have to plummet to the depths of cake eating despair before i can rise up again, albeit a little less lightly. Good times are ahead somewhere, just keep going - can you take a little time out to yourself (even an hour or two can be beneficial). I hear you with the shiny,perfect mama blogs too - just remember that they are not the whole picture, these ladies too have days when it all goes tits up, when they yell at their toddler for being a toddler and dish up baked beans on toast for dinner (or maybe that's just me!)
Hugs and positive energy vibes xx
I understand where you are Motherfunker, I've been through funks like that myself, they happen aporadically throughout the year but over time I've learnt that if that really is how exhausted I am the cleaning and things really can wait just a couple days longer then more than likely I'll find a spark of energy from the depths of somewhere to clean that floor I've been ignoring several weeks (thats where I'm at today!) But resting really is important I believe. Hope the fog clears oon. Much love x
ReplyDeleteThank you mamas xx
ReplyDeleteI am finding that operating one day at a time and only in small chunks makes things more manageable and less likely to set myself up for failure or disappointment. Set tiny tasks and achieve them and feel good is what I say even if it's only one tiny thing a day - so what! On those nasty un-shiny days which for me happened to be Mother's Day just gone, (I'm surprised I didn't cry on the spot when I saw you) off we went to the beach out of sheer necessity simply to change up the energy. You know it's a big task trying to balance the different needs of everyone in a family, particularly those that appear more challenging or difficult at times plus a large home-educating family to boot and including having time for you. Having the enthusiasm to do all of those so called easy tasks I personally find particularly difficult often despite loving them at others. Sometimes I just don't want to do the mundane and the monotonous and that's ok. Anyway, just wanted you to know that you are not alone in this feeling and everything passes x
ReplyDeleteI hear ya. I'm there, too. Feeling overwhelmed with the overwhelming feelings. For me it's been going in waves. I like reading about your 'occasionally' miserable phases. No advice. Commiserating can be a bonding experience, too.
ReplyDeleteThanks for a great blog!
Hey you! Please don't feel guilty for feeling grumpy - that's one more thing to feel grumpy about. We all have shitty days/weeks/months and I'm glad that you're open enough to write about it. Motherhood is hard work. Home educating is hard work. You have friends who love you - lean on them and don't feel that you have to put on a happy face all the time cos in the words of Dr Seuss (i think) "those that matter don't mind, and those that mind don't matter"
ReplyDeleteLove you lots - cakes, rollups and all xxx
ps/ it's a bit cheesy but I find it helpful to keep a notebook of "good things" where I just make a note of the random good moments throughout the day. Just little things like watching the birds, or something nice someone has said. Then I find that, even though at the end of the day, I think it's all been pointless and crap then I look at my list and see that actually there have been some good things. Just a thought...
Ah I really do love you. Thank you all, friends in real life or cyber life. There'salways such an outpouring of relief and sympathy when I write these kind of posts, I'm really touched by everyones kindness and comments and me too's. And the tips for keeping sane and happy :-) ta very much. Already feeling a little better, got some happy tunes on, having a dance around, eating more cake and doing birthday prezzie things. And seeing dear buddies today for megahugzzz :-) Lovely! x
ReplyDeleteYey, you're doing a great job, ebbs and flows, dark and light, fast and slow, manic and calm, its all part of the journey as I can tell that you already know and I really appreciate and respect your ability to put it into words :)
ReplyDelete:-) thanks for the bloggy love, dear fellow mama x
ReplyDeleteSpring tiredness, that's what my daughter's lovely kindergarten teacher said to me, we just can't keep up with the spring rush of energy. I still couldn't help feeling bad for laying on the bed all afternoon reading aloud Little House on the Prairie, but it was cosy. We're not invincible and sometimes we just need to rest......
ReplyDeleteThanks for your soothing words Henrietta. I was flicking through Juno and saw your beautiful piece, accompanied by the stunning artwork of Veronica - it sits quietly in my soul and your grief is my grief too. I am inspired and grateful for you. Much love Henrietta dear xx
ReplyDeleteYou truly are not alone. Huge hugs to you mama ((((P))))
ReplyDeleteIt is such hard work parenting - especially when you are home educating and with these little people 24/7. As much as we love them to bits we all need a bit of breathing space.
Please don't feel you need to be shiny happy all the time. We love you just the way you are - perfectly imperfect and beautiful, with good times and bad times just like the rest of us.
Hope to message you back when we emerge from the chickenpox time warp!
Lots of love xxx
Thank you lovely friend. It will be good to see you soon and chat xxx
ReplyDeleteHey MF, sorry, totally missed this post, was in my own little whirlwind of self induced dramatics, which you so kindly helped me with, even when feeling shitty. You are a shiny cake eating star. My home would beat yours in the tip stakes any day of the week.xx
ReplyDeleteShame we don't live nearer....
ReplyDelete