I have realised some really important, life-changing truths today, which I wanted to talk about here.
I truly do not have to do anything I don't want to, just because I once wanted it.
It's ok to change my mind.
It's ok to outgrow a situation, and move on.
It's ok to outgrow an idea, and move on.
It's ok to outgrow a feeling and move on.
It's ok to outgrow a behaviour and move on.
It will all be ok if I let go.
I've been playing around with a few ideas and beating myself up that my original vision has proven somehow to not fit quite right, to feel wrong, to feel like a pressure and a weight.
My original vision of an arty, coffee table type pregnancy and birth book is one such idea that has evolved in my heart and mind from its first conception. I had wanted to write the kind of book that would be an artsy mish-mash of styles, colourific, magazine like, with beat poetry and beautiful artwork. The reality of putting together such a book is that whilst it would look very pretty, it is hard to collect and collate such photography and artwork. Unless I took a year out and travelled, photographed and networked like crazy, it's not going to happen. Besides which....... I can write. Writing is what I am good at. I enjoy it, others enjoy it. I am not a photographer. I also have a deep desire to truly help women and this is a more driving force for putting a book out there, than making something that looks cool. If I can pull off a book that looks good then great but that is no longer my starting point. It doesn't matter when it gets published. It'll come when it's ready. And when it does it'll be better than I first imagined, even if it no longer resembles my first spec.
I am also realising that my idea of running a women's retreat next year is not really where I am at at the moment. I do not know where I will be next year, on so many different levels, so this idea may have to go on the backburner. I am making my peace with feeling disappointed with myself for coming up with yet another whacky idea that I realised I didn't want to do, on closer deeper reflection.
After a major wobble in the last week about my ability to be a good Doula, I see myself in a new light. I see that I am learning and that this is ok. I don't need to be perfect. I may not have 20 or 30 years experience under my belt but that doesn't mean I don't have any. I accept that I am human and that it won't be the end of the world if I make mistakes. I'll learn from my mistakes, and then I'll move on. And I'll become better at listening, feeling, judging where things are really at. It will come with practise, reflection and through mentoring from my amazing, warm and generous Doula and soul sisters. I'm not an island but part of a strong caring community who help one another. I am truly blessed!
Do you see a common thread running through my thinking here?
I'm moving on, and moving on, and moving on. Closer towards the writer, doula, friend, wife and mother I would like to be, ditching the one I don't. It's all ok.
It's hard - no-one can force can force a butterfly out of its chrysalis, it comes from within, it happens messily and painfully, but how else can we be propelled into new states, new concepts, new phases of our life?
The birthing and rebirthing of our body, mind and soul has a rhythmn and timing all its own!