Hey you
How's it going?
I have been feeling cruddy all week with a stinking cold and Hubba Hubba's been working like a loon! It's been a tough week.
Such weeks always leave me feeling lacking...and the result of this week's trials has been an idea for a post that has been ruminating and I want to talk about..... drumroll please..... THE INFERIORITY COMPLEX.
I am guessing I am not the only mama who looks around at the rest of the world on her down days and feels lacking. Everyone in blog-land seems uber creative. Felting, knitting, painting, baking, sewing, making beautiful things of one kind or another. It can feel a bit depressing when I am JUST ABOUT getting through the day/week/ month, with the kids fed, watered, dressed, let alone getting everyone out of the door for outings/expeditions. These things can, on some days, feel like a MAJOR achievement and take every ounce of my energy, patience and mojo. There is usually one child in the mix who very firmly wants to stay at home on those days I happen to have something really fab planned and somehow they become even more obstinate and stubborn when we need to go out and about doing less exciting errands. And yet life cannot be exciting and fun-filled everyday....we still gotta put out bins, get new tax discs, queue up for things and suffer the boredom or grosseness of certain unpleasant chores. Doing such things with four whiney children in tow can really take its toll when you are feeling ill.
Some days I look around at my friends, and quietly envy their talents and skills - heck, I'll be honest here... I even envy their children some days. I'm not proud of this. But it's how I really feel. It gets to me a little that I am neither a fantastic smallholder, keeper of bees, talented quilter, expert gardener, prolific painter, or able to do swedish massage. I am not uber stylish. I sometimes get BO. My kids are suffering from daddy's stupid workload at the moment, being super whingy, sulky, ungrateful and argumentative. They aren't eager to learn, settling down and being productive when I have my back turned. They'd rather fight and jump on the sofa. My home has been looking more and more of a mess just lately, and the kids seem to be wrecking furniture at a rate of knots. Two child beds with broken slats in the last month. The house is getting shabbier and shabbier as I have less and less energy to keep up with the tide of snotty fingers, yoghurt drips, felt-tip scribbles, and unidentified stains. The greater part of my garden looks like a mess too, with ground elder and stinging nettles running riot and saying ner-ner-ner-ner-ner at me, every time I clap eyes on them . I feel less than shiny and happy.
And I wonder how many of us feel like this sometimes? Surely it can't be just me?
How many of us feel lacking compared to others? Do you ladies compare yourselves to the rest of the world and think "Fuck, why can't I/my kids/my house/whatever be more like (insert a friends/cybermummy's name)"???
I think the problem may be that we look at everyone's lives and in our minds muddle all the best bits of everyone we know and love into one SUPERPERSON - a multitaskin' fanfeckingtastic ubermama, a complete renaissance mama, who doesn't exist but is made up of all the best bits. We hold ourselves up to this model when we feel low, and of course, could never compare with this invention!!! None of my friends can knit, garden, paint, bake, keep perfect house, spin wool, keep bees, be uber stylish, AND has obnoxiously well behaved kids 24/7!!!! I made that person up in my head!!!! SHE DOES NOT EXIST.
And when I think of it in those terms I start to feel a bit better. I remember that I can do some of these things, in turn, but not simultaneously. If I ignore other areas of my life and feel tip top, I too can have a perfectly tidy house, for a while. My kids can be angelic and intrinsically motivated to learn, when they are in a good space. One part of my lovely wild cottage garden is fantastic and thriving and I am super-proud of our humble veg-plot, the very thing I thought we couldn't achieve! Occasionally, for special occasions, I can scrub up ok, or even look quite nice! And when the chips are down, I have a capable and smiley hubba, who I know I can rely on to literally be my other half. We work together as a team: he is strong for me, when I feel weak. It swings both ways. When we both feel drained, we still work together instead of against each other. This helps us both to feel more whole. Occasionally I will make something crafty to give friends for their birthday or for Christmas, and it will be beautiful. Sometimes I bake a perfect cake or meal that is mega. And I am lucky to live in a beautiful house that many people would envy, even if it is a shit-tip most of the time!!! There are in fact a bunch of things I am pretty good at, when I take the time to appreciate them.
I don't need to be ALL these things at once, ALL the time, and I am feeling more at peace with this as the week has rolled on. I laughed to myself as I remembered the story of THE MIXED UP CHAMELION, so I thought I would include it here. If there ever was a story about accepting who you are and where your talents lie, this is it.
I feel more able, after reflecting this week, to really celebrate and feel inspired by the amazing multiple talents of my friends, and by the cyber mamas out there. I don't feel intimidated by their talents quite so much, I'm actually really glad that we are all different and inspiring at different times and in different ways. All us mamas do a fab job and are creative every day, in small ways and big. Hurray for diversity! Hurray for just being ourselves, and celebrating our own unique talents and skills!
XXX :-) XXX
Saturday, 28 May 2011
Saturday, 21 May 2011
No room for ego
Well I am still here in Brighton, and have completed three intense days of Doula Training, learning an amazing amount of stuff I didn't know.
I feel very lucky and privileged to have been able to learn in the way that I did, with the group of people who were studying with me. My tutor Valerie was formerly the head of Doula UK, so has REALLY extensive knowledge of the industry and what good Doula practise should look like. The other women taught me nearly as much, and the style in which we learnt was organic and multidimensional with everyone sharing their wisdom, questions, and even ignorances! I was staggered and humbled by how much I thought I knew, and how much I actually knew, on some topics. Having four children doesn't mean you are a birthing expert, by any means!!!
It was a really wonderful few days, and one of the simplest lessons that Valerie taught us all is that there is no room for ego in the Doula role. Being a Doula isn't an in-your-face cheerleading role. It isn't about advising and trying to a make the mother come round to your style of parenting. It's not about taking over the mother's role, it's about helping her stand on her own two feet, helping her reach her own, fully-informed decisions, and basically making yourself progressively less needed. It's also very much a role in which your influence can be like that of an NLP practitioner. Birth happens mostly in the brain, and since the brain is the control centre of the birth experience, helping a mother to be in a positive, optimum state of mind approaching birth can more useful than anything else you may do actually on the day.
How to help others in a gentle way is something I need to really reflect upon. When I say that, I mean that I will often try to help others in a way that applies for me, that worked for me, but this may be ABSOLUTELY wrong, even irrelevant, for the other person. It comes from a place of genuine compassion and I am a big believer in thinking positively to help change your situations and that a happy and robust state of mind can dramatically change our outlook and self-image. I know from my own life that it can be the most powerful tool in implementing change. But it is only half the picture. Genuinely helping others means looking from all perspectives and not just our own, however well meaning we may be. Being helpful may require a lot less of us than we think, and involves really using our ears, eyes and heart to listen, see, and feel, more than our mouths to jump in and advise. It's not about barging in thinking we have all the answers, because those answers may only be true for us.
Lots to chew on!
I feel very lucky and privileged to have been able to learn in the way that I did, with the group of people who were studying with me. My tutor Valerie was formerly the head of Doula UK, so has REALLY extensive knowledge of the industry and what good Doula practise should look like. The other women taught me nearly as much, and the style in which we learnt was organic and multidimensional with everyone sharing their wisdom, questions, and even ignorances! I was staggered and humbled by how much I thought I knew, and how much I actually knew, on some topics. Having four children doesn't mean you are a birthing expert, by any means!!!
It was a really wonderful few days, and one of the simplest lessons that Valerie taught us all is that there is no room for ego in the Doula role. Being a Doula isn't an in-your-face cheerleading role. It isn't about advising and trying to a make the mother come round to your style of parenting. It's not about taking over the mother's role, it's about helping her stand on her own two feet, helping her reach her own, fully-informed decisions, and basically making yourself progressively less needed. It's also very much a role in which your influence can be like that of an NLP practitioner. Birth happens mostly in the brain, and since the brain is the control centre of the birth experience, helping a mother to be in a positive, optimum state of mind approaching birth can more useful than anything else you may do actually on the day.
How to help others in a gentle way is something I need to really reflect upon. When I say that, I mean that I will often try to help others in a way that applies for me, that worked for me, but this may be ABSOLUTELY wrong, even irrelevant, for the other person. It comes from a place of genuine compassion and I am a big believer in thinking positively to help change your situations and that a happy and robust state of mind can dramatically change our outlook and self-image. I know from my own life that it can be the most powerful tool in implementing change. But it is only half the picture. Genuinely helping others means looking from all perspectives and not just our own, however well meaning we may be. Being helpful may require a lot less of us than we think, and involves really using our ears, eyes and heart to listen, see, and feel, more than our mouths to jump in and advise. It's not about barging in thinking we have all the answers, because those answers may only be true for us.
Lots to chew on!
Tuesday, 17 May 2011
Dare to dream.....
Tonight I am heading down to Brighton to realise a little dream that started as a seed. I watered the dream and nourished it, and it has grown.
Yes, tomorrow I start the next leg of my Doula training! I absolutely cannot wait.
You could say that I have been in training for this role for several years. Apart from my own experiences, I've hand held and counselled many a mummy, been to hospital in an ambulance with lights blazing, to comfort a fellow mother, also heavily pregnant, whilst we thought she was losing her baby. I've driven for hours at the drop of a hat to be near a first time mama, and do practical stuff for her, and comfort her in her hour of need. I'm always open to be a listening ear, to offer solace and advice, to share the ups and downs and in-betweens of the whole business of motherhood, in those raw days. I've had many a phone call with either me or another mama in tears, or both of us! Mama work is not easy, and it has it's pleasures and pains. Whether its triumph, exhaustion, elation, fear, a crushing sense of failure, overwhelm, or just pure delight - all are feelings I have exchanged with many women over the years.
Most people read novels for pleasure, my idea of light reading are books about birth! Ina May Gaskin - where would I be without you? Your gentle vision, understanding and faith in women's bodies has helped me understand so much. The example of all the women at The Farm, the shining faces and also the sad stories where folks have lost their babies, have been soaking into my heart, soul and mind from the pages of Spiritual Midwifery and Ina Mays guide to childbirth and left an imprint forever. I cannot underestimate how much those women and men have helped form my sense of what a Doula should be.
My husband is perhaps the most important of all - he has always always been the calm, telepathic rock when it comes to birth-time. He has always set the tone, listening to me with his ears, eyes and heart, never being overbearing, panicky or out of his depth. He has co-created energy fields that could overcome the fussing and faffing midwives or obstetricians who have attended to me at times, leaving me free to birth without fear or inhibition. We have been through four births together, and one miscarriage, and he has never let me down. Maybe the best Doula training I have had so far has come from him.
I have already learnt so much! And yet I feel like I still know so little. It is humbling to think that I have barely touched the tip of the iceberg, four babies down the line. There is always more to know and learn, new mistakes to be made and new realisations to be struck upon!!!
After having such a hard time with the rather backwards medical establishment in the fenland area where I live, it will be refreshing to talk over my experiences with some enlightened souls down in Brighton. None of my witchy birthing oils, herbs or ideas will be too weird or whacky for those dear women I don't suppose! I can't wait to learn from them, to have my mind and heart opened ever further on this Doula path which I tread.
Now here's the crazy thing - I don't even know how I can practise as a Doula and home Ed full time,since I would need some very flexible childcare at the drop of a hat - not just anyone would do for such a job. Home educated kids would still need to be...well....educated. Not usually what a childminder would be expected to do. But such things will take care of themselves when the time is right. Doula work is not exactly anywhere near a full time or even part- time role, and here in the fens I don't suppose there will be queues of ladies who would want such a thing as a Doula. This will be as part- time as it gets, but my commitment during that time to a woman in my care will have to be 100%. I don't know how this will work just yet, but I am sticking to the old adage that where there is a will, there will be a way!
There might not be much posting this week, since besides the Doula training, I will be hanging out with my god- daughter Miss Betty Dare, and Ma and Pa Dare, and also little Miss Nina and her Ma and Pa, and then I have some hen-do shenanigans going on over the weekend, so I am being really spoilt this week.
Fun, fun, fun!!!
Have a great week!
Yes, tomorrow I start the next leg of my Doula training! I absolutely cannot wait.
You could say that I have been in training for this role for several years. Apart from my own experiences, I've hand held and counselled many a mummy, been to hospital in an ambulance with lights blazing, to comfort a fellow mother, also heavily pregnant, whilst we thought she was losing her baby. I've driven for hours at the drop of a hat to be near a first time mama, and do practical stuff for her, and comfort her in her hour of need. I'm always open to be a listening ear, to offer solace and advice, to share the ups and downs and in-betweens of the whole business of motherhood, in those raw days. I've had many a phone call with either me or another mama in tears, or both of us! Mama work is not easy, and it has it's pleasures and pains. Whether its triumph, exhaustion, elation, fear, a crushing sense of failure, overwhelm, or just pure delight - all are feelings I have exchanged with many women over the years.
Most people read novels for pleasure, my idea of light reading are books about birth! Ina May Gaskin - where would I be without you? Your gentle vision, understanding and faith in women's bodies has helped me understand so much. The example of all the women at The Farm, the shining faces and also the sad stories where folks have lost their babies, have been soaking into my heart, soul and mind from the pages of Spiritual Midwifery and Ina Mays guide to childbirth and left an imprint forever. I cannot underestimate how much those women and men have helped form my sense of what a Doula should be.
My husband is perhaps the most important of all - he has always always been the calm, telepathic rock when it comes to birth-time. He has always set the tone, listening to me with his ears, eyes and heart, never being overbearing, panicky or out of his depth. He has co-created energy fields that could overcome the fussing and faffing midwives or obstetricians who have attended to me at times, leaving me free to birth without fear or inhibition. We have been through four births together, and one miscarriage, and he has never let me down. Maybe the best Doula training I have had so far has come from him.
I have already learnt so much! And yet I feel like I still know so little. It is humbling to think that I have barely touched the tip of the iceberg, four babies down the line. There is always more to know and learn, new mistakes to be made and new realisations to be struck upon!!!
After having such a hard time with the rather backwards medical establishment in the fenland area where I live, it will be refreshing to talk over my experiences with some enlightened souls down in Brighton. None of my witchy birthing oils, herbs or ideas will be too weird or whacky for those dear women I don't suppose! I can't wait to learn from them, to have my mind and heart opened ever further on this Doula path which I tread.
Now here's the crazy thing - I don't even know how I can practise as a Doula and home Ed full time,since I would need some very flexible childcare at the drop of a hat - not just anyone would do for such a job. Home educated kids would still need to be...well....educated. Not usually what a childminder would be expected to do. But such things will take care of themselves when the time is right. Doula work is not exactly anywhere near a full time or even part- time role, and here in the fens I don't suppose there will be queues of ladies who would want such a thing as a Doula. This will be as part- time as it gets, but my commitment during that time to a woman in my care will have to be 100%. I don't know how this will work just yet, but I am sticking to the old adage that where there is a will, there will be a way!
There might not be much posting this week, since besides the Doula training, I will be hanging out with my god- daughter Miss Betty Dare, and Ma and Pa Dare, and also little Miss Nina and her Ma and Pa, and then I have some hen-do shenanigans going on over the weekend, so I am being really spoilt this week.
Fun, fun, fun!!!
Have a great week!
Wednesday, 11 May 2011
Legs, bums and Buddha bellies
Ok I have been thinking about the fact that I have billed this here blog as being somewhere to talk about homeschooling, doula/birthy stuff and alternative health. So far no mention of the latter.
Well all that is about to change.
Inspired by pixiemama's Counch to 5k endeavours, I too am flexing and getting myself in better shape. I abso-feckin-lootely HATE gyms though. The whole concept brings me out in hives.
But dance....ah, dance I can do. I can do it whilst I am washing up. I can do it with a toddler on my hip. I can have an absolute blast with the kids as we jive, shake our booties, get our freak on, and work up a sweat! And I can do these in a gypsy skirt - hurray! - no trainers or equipment needed - just space to let it all hang out.
Boogie-woogie, afro-funk, flamenco, rock-a-billy, hill-billy fever. It doesn't matter. We do a musical, global, time-travelling journey around the world, getting a PE and geography/culture lesson all thrown into one wild life-affirming frenzy!
Here are the rules:
Well all that is about to change.
Inspired by pixiemama's Counch to 5k endeavours, I too am flexing and getting myself in better shape. I abso-feckin-lootely HATE gyms though. The whole concept brings me out in hives.
But dance....ah, dance I can do. I can do it whilst I am washing up. I can do it with a toddler on my hip. I can have an absolute blast with the kids as we jive, shake our booties, get our freak on, and work up a sweat! And I can do these in a gypsy skirt - hurray! - no trainers or equipment needed - just space to let it all hang out.
Boogie-woogie, afro-funk, flamenco, rock-a-billy, hill-billy fever. It doesn't matter. We do a musical, global, time-travelling journey around the world, getting a PE and geography/culture lesson all thrown into one wild life-affirming frenzy!
Here are the rules:
- Seriously shake your booty, mama! You can dance like a flapper girl, jive, belly dance, waltz, swing, be a whirling dervish, have a hoe down.... whatever floats your boat. It's all good.
- Wear leggings or a skirt that was just MADE for dancing.
- Have a large glass of water nearby and have sips/glugs at regular intervals. After breakfast and before lunch is the optimum time as it sets you up for the day.
- Do movements that involve lifting your arms above your head for at least some of the time. Same goes for lifting your knees up, and get your legs as high up off the ground as you can manage without hurting yourself.
- It has to be foot stomping, heart-racing music that gives you and the kids a thrill and makes you all glad to be alive. Whatever you do, don't listen to shite excercise musak.
- Start gently, then work your way up, so you don't hurt yourself.
Here are some kickin' tunes that will hopefully bring you as much joy and pleasure as they bring me and mine.
To start, some Nina Simone. This is obviously slower than the recent remix. But I LOVE it. Check out her earrings!
Next, ramping it up a bit with this amazing tune, that sounds like Nina Simone but isn't!
Warmed up a bit now? Check out Hail to the Chief on this ZULUROSE podcast list. Winter cool down mix was my soundtrack to being preggie with Alf, but Hail to the Chief is the biz for a good booty shake. But they are all darn good.
Ok, here is just one more for you, which looks pretty good although I haven't listened to it as a set, but rather zoomed through to check out the tracks. Looks purty good, except for the rather boring intro.
Would love to hear what you are getting your freak on to. Anyone got any good podcasts they'd like to share?
Tuesday, 10 May 2011
Hurray, Feet on the Ground gets technicolourific!
Bean poles, waiting to support our new bean plants
A slice of summery sky and earthbound domesticity
Me, with the sun in my eyes
Watch this space for pics of the rest of the family when I figure out where the lead from my phone has gotten to!
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